oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
