she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
