Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
