Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
