I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hope mine doesn't look like that
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
