i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
