Your face is a jimmy john
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
