she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
my poor anus
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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