there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
