Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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