if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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