Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
