I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
