So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
