So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
