Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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