For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
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Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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