The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I deserve this hangover.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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