Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Randomize
