She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
