I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
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I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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