she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
