My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
