I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
