I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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