She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Randomize
