Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
