There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
