if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
