NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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