I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
