just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
