he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
