dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
