Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
