i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize