seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
