he wants to bone in the snuggie
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
