You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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