I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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