Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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