It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
