Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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