No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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