i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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