Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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