i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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