honey bunches of taint.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
