There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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