She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
be right there i have to get my cape
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
