My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
