I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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