she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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