Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
