I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
