i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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