I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
